• Release year: 2024
• Director: Rupert Sanders.
• Producers: Samuel Hadida, Victor Hadida, John Jencks and Edward R. Pressman.
• Screenplay by: Zach Baylin and William Josef Schneider.
• Cinematography by: Steve Annis.
• Music by: Volker Bertelmann.

Shotgun Commentary: you could watch this, or Paint Drying (2016), but the second option will probably be a lesser waste of your time.

Review

I wanted to like this, I swear I really did. Sadly, there is no way to watch this film and remain ignorant to the astonishing lack of imagination, innovation, or even talent displayed in it. As a critic with a high tolerance for nihilist drama, a total fan of everything Bill Skarsgård has made so far, and a viewer with a special interest for violent action films, this feature is disappointing in all three levels. It is a trifecta of dissatisfaction that brings nothing but regret to anyone naive enough to give it a chance.

It is not common to see really harsh reviews in here, as yours truly does not get her kicks out of bullying films. However, that does not mean that one’s time isn’t valuable, and as such, it is infuriating when a film disrespects that.

This feature right here is one such example, a movie so bad it is hard to find anything good to say about it at all. Still, one will strive to do so along with commenting on everything that is wrong about it so you will get as complete a picture as possible.

One third pointless

This film is based on a series of comics. You can find more information about them in the review of the first cinematic adaptation The Crow (1994). There are obvious flaws with that version. However, it does not come close to the butcher’s job done for this instalment. Whether it brings it closer to the original title or not shall remain unclear for the purposes of this review, as this critic’s memory can’t say for certain.

What one CAN say for certain is that the story told not only takes the complete opposite approach from the 1994 feature, but it also gifts you with over thirty minutes of the most unwatchable emo content you’ve ever faced. Think of a terrible fanfic written by someone who doesn’t know the language in which they are writing, and has never had an original thought in their whole life. Well, that work has better chances at being passable entertainment than that half an hour does.

There is a great reason why the 1994 version began with the couple already dead, and it is because there is nothing interesting to say about them. That is the whole point. They are a young couple in love who have never messed with anyone and just happen to be poor, a fact that bad people exploit for their own benefit. If you change that, the story stops being relatable. Almost everyone can relate to being young and skimmed, but how many people can relate to being drug addicts running away from a villain that hypnotises people into killing?

One third nonsense

And that right there’s another completely pointless change to the story that only makes the characters more clichéd than they already were: drugs. Not all artists need to be drug addicts, in fact, Lee’s crow was completely adamant in his anti-drug message.

After all, it was drugs, alcohol in particular, that caused the original author to be in so much pain in the first place. It was a tragedy surged from alcohol abuse that made this work exist, so why on Earth does this film have a whole sequence about how hot people look getting f*cked up with every substance known to man?

One third bland

The absurdity of their behaviour is only comparable to the fact that FKA Twigs is there at all. She might be a successful singer, but acting is not her forte, that much she makes clear with her portrayal of Shelly, the protagonist’s beloved. Even Sophia Shinas managed to get more personality in her portrayal of 1994’s Shelly, and she’s only there for about two minutes of fast-forwarded flashbacks, tops.

This Crow’s Shelly is a soulless character that seems more interested in her own reflection than on anything the supposed love of her life Eric (Bill Skarsgård) has to say. In fact, she doesn’t even acknowledge the piece of evidence that is making everyone want to kill her at all. Granted, that is not Twig’s fault but the script’s. Maybe an actress with more than just the one expression could have made it work, but alas, we’ll never know.

As for Skarsgård’s Eric Draven, it is not more ridiculous than the plot makes him to be. It is great that he doesn’t learn martial arts out of nowhere, unlike Lee’s Eric, but that’s as far as the praise can go. Skarsgård manages to deliver a likeable character despite everything, and could’ve possibly got away with it had his action scenes not been so criminally dull. Luckily, he did get a chance to redeem himself during the same year with Nosferatu (2024), so hopefully this piece will just be an unfortunate blip in an otherwise pretty interesting career.

All in all, The Crow is a film that can barely be recommended for a hate-watch. This writer is a little past her emo-teen era, so it is hard to tell for sure, but chances are not even this target audience will enjoy the movie.

Advice to take from this movie:

• Adaptations need research. Proper research.
• No amount of tattoos can cover a one-dimensional character.
• Never assume a film’s quality by its opening credits.

What’s your take? Have you watched The Crow (2024)? Don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, or leave a message in my contact page! For more reviews and cinema-related articles, check out the rest of my blog! 😀