• Release year: 2025
• Director: Marc Webb.
• Producers: Jared LeBoff and Marc Platt.
• Screenplay by: Erin Cressida Wilson.
• Cinematography by: Mandy Walker.
• Music by: Jeff Morrow, Benj Pasek and Justin Paul.

Shotgun Commentary: not as bad as you think it’s going to be, but not good either.

Review

Snow White is yet another live-action retelling of the Disney animation classic based on the Grimm Brothers’ “Tale 53”. Unsurprisingly, there is absolutely nothing new about this remake. If anything, it goes back to the basics while trampling over some of the core details of the animation work and “taking inspiration” from elements of other Disney classics. Because the original story didn’t have enough substance…?

Before getting into all the nonsense and unfortunate decisions made in this production, it is important to acknowledge that the end result is shockingly not as cringe as one might expect. That is not nearly enough to excuse its existence nor the crazy amount of money put into it. But it is a pleasant surprise for anyone who has the misfortune of spending part of their lives watching it. That being said, there are a few issues that are hard to ignore.

Controversy = curtain of smoke

The obvious elephant in the room, Snow White not being white, is actually quite irrelevant when it comes to the movie. Sure, the justification for that change is obscenely weak and lazy, but this is a longer subject that is explored in the very first Cut to the Take rant, in addition to the DEI irony of not getting seven actors of small stature to play the miner sidekicks.

Speaking of, let’s get into the miner situation. This is a journey on its own. At first, you wonder why they didn’t hire actors to play them, but then you start wondering if maybe it is because they want them to look more like the original animations. However, if that is the case, why does Dopey have hair? Why is grumpy white-haired? The list of questions goes on, not to mention that Dopey apparently isn’t mute, just shy, which doesn’t work on two different levels.

The first level is local, anyone who has watched the Spanish version will know Dopey as Mudito which, translated to English, means “Mutey”. This is annoying, but an understandable mishap since it is hard to keep track of all the translations. Some coherence might be lost in some languages.

Sadly, there is also the second and unforgivable level, the international one. If Dopey doesn’t speak because he is shy, and not because he is a mute, wouldn’t that make him Bashful? What’s the point of having the same character twice?

DEI hack job

About pointless characters, it’s time to address Quigg, played by George Appleby. The irony of this character’s existence is so strong you don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or yell. So, you decide that the seven dwarfs are going to be CGI, but you create a completely irrelevant character with generic and forgettable lines just so you can add a person of short stature?

That gives off the same energy as cutting down the funding for food banks and then giving a homeless person five bucks. If you are trying to compensate, at least have the decency to make Quigg a relevant character instead of a decoration whose only contributions are saying the obvious out loud and “helping” after the problem has already been solved.

The band of unmerry bandits

Regrettably, Quigg isn’t the only character that makes no sense. In an attempt to follow Once Upon a Time’s (2011-2018) lead, Snow White associates with “honourable” bandits in order to defeat the Evil Queen (Gal Gadot). Their leader is Jonathan (Andrew Burnap), Snow White’s love interest. He might not be the prince he is supposed to be, but is definitely the live-action version of Flynn (Tangled, 2010). Minus the charisma and the charm, that is.

Jonathan feels like the result of trying to make Flynn without any consideration for what women actually like. Not because he isn’t handsome, but because he is as plain as they come. Matching Jonathan’s lack of personality and passion is Rachel Zegler as Snow White, resulting in a match made because the script demands it and not because the characters like each other.

In this particular case, it would have been better to stick to the Grimms’ version of Snow White waking up because of an accident that makes her spit the piece of apple rather than a true love’s kiss. If that soporific relationship is true love, let us pray true love never finds us.

Yes and no

Last but not least, the visuals of the film should be acknowledged. As far as production design goes, the product is fantastic. It has a very strong resemblance to the animation and the colour palettes are 100% Snow White and whimsy. The sets and decorations are gorgeous and will definitely please all Disney fans. Nevertheless, there are two major messes that need addressing, one in costume design and the other in hairstyling. The latter doesn’t deserve much comment, all the memes comparing Snow White’s hair to Lord Faarquad’s (Shrek, 2001) pretty much say it all.

As for the first, it is in regard to the Evil Queen and to a suspiciously familiar piece of clothing. How did they manage to find unflattering outfits for Gal Gadot? The Evil Queen is a horrible woman with no heart and an obsession with other people’s organs, but she is still supposedly the fairest of the land (minus Snow White). So why is she dressed like a sparkly black pudding?

Her outfits are like the Temu version of what the Evil Queen would wear. Isn’t she rich? Shouldn’t she be able to afford fitted clothes? Except for the headpiece, her whole wardrobe is an absolute disgrace, a low-quality mess that has no place in a project with such a huge budget.

Say no to stealing

Not to mention the other obvious stolen element: Snow White’s red cape. Where did she get it from? Well, there have been no comments from official sources, but it is fair to think that a little girl on her way to grandma’s is about to meet the Big Bad Wolf without her hood of choice… Also, yet another crossover already seen in Once Upon a Time. A collab that was definitely more exciting in the aforementioned show. As was Snow White’s father’s storyline in Mirror Mirror (2012), a fascinating mystery that is hinted at in this film before obliterating your expectations with the dullest ending possible to it.

All in all, Snow White is similar enough to the animation product to be alright entertainment if you are watching it at home while scrolling on your phone. It is a pretty product with completely forgettable songs and a knack for stealing from other’s stories while ignoring the potential of the original work. If you don’t want to watch the film only because Rachel Zegler is in it, don’t be daft. There are plenty of actually good reasons to skip it, but don’t miss it just because of that minuscule detail.

Thanks to Disney for big-screen access! Snow White will be released the 21st of March.

Advice to take from this movie:

• No amount of cute hedgehogs can distract your audience from a terribly-executed film.
• In order to make your remake as original as possible, it might be best to search for unmentioned elements in the original work rather than stealing details from other works.
• If you want your protagonist to be likeable, getting them to sing about how they want to do things might not be the way to go. Especially if they won’t do absolutely anything during the whole film.

What’s your take? Have you watched Snow White? Don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, or leave a message in my contact page! For more reviews and cinema-related articles, check out the rest of my blog! 😀