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Review: Halloween Ends… Sure? I’m gonna need that in writing

  • Release year: 2022
  • Director: David Gordon Green.
  • Producers: Malek Akkad, Bill Block and Jason Blum.
  • Screenplay by: Paul Brad Logan, Chris Bernier, Danny McBride and David Gordon Green.
  • Cinematographer: Michael Simmonds.
  • Music by: John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter and Daniel A. Davies.

Synopsis: Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) is moving on from her trauma with Michael Myers (James Jude Courtney) alongside her granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak). In the meantime, Corey (Rohan Campbell), a guy from Haddonfield with a dark past who is in love with Allyson, is driven to psychosis and tries to copy Michael Myers’ methods to get rid of the people that aggravate him.

Shotgun Commentary: predictable Halloween movie where neither Laurie nor Michael Myers are the main characters.

Laurie, a lady in her 60s with white hair, crying.
Fig. 1. Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) crying, probably because of her lack of relevance in this movie. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

Review

Before analysing this film in depth, it is important to clarify that using the character of Laurie’s granddaughter as a protagonist instead of Laurie herself could have worked amazingly had it not been for her storyline being a continuous cliché that will bore you to death. If the plot was going to be so predictable, at least they could have made Laurie the protagonist of it. Or maybe just show her point of view of the whole thing: an hour and 15 minutes of Laurie doing groceries and writing down her thoughts would have been vastly more interesting than everything that goes on with Allyson and her boyfriend Corey.

Laurie smiling at a man in the grocery store. Frame from Halloween Ends selected for this review.
Fig. 2. Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) smiling at Oficial Hawkins (Will Patton) at the supermarket. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

But let’s get into a more detailed analysis, starting with the elephant in the room: Allyson’s tedious, senseless storyline.

The inexplicable case of the moronic survivor

After everything that girl has been through, she suddenly decides that it is a great idea to run away with a guy she met literally two days ago and with whom she’s had, at best, just a couple of very disturbing dates? Did she hit her head in between films or something?

Allyson, a young brunette girl, smiling at a boy, Corey, while fixing his hand.
Fig. 3. Allyson (Andi Matichak), Laurie’s daughter, healing Corey’s hand (Rohan Campbell). Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

Plus, even Corey knows that Allyson is known as a survivor and a hero in Haddonfield. He says so himself: “They see you like a survivor. […] You’re a hero with your struggles, ask anyone.”

So what, pray tell, is so terrible about that situation that she wants to leave the town so badly? It is Laurie and Corey that are bullied everyday by judgy obnoxious people, what does she have to complain about? It would be understandable it if she wanted to move away in order to forget about all her traumas and move on, but because of the people? What did they ever do to her?

She is sad all the time because of her boss, the doctor, who treats her terribly, but it doesn’t even cross her mind to stand up for herself. Instead, she wants to flee from her problems like that is any kind of an answer. How are we expected to empathise with her?

Allyson looking concerned and angry while cuddling with her boyfriend Corey.
Fig. 4. Allyson talking about running away with Corey. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

The Cringe

The only plausible reason for Allyson to want to skip town is the borderline stalker policeman she’s got for an ex. What possessed her to date officer Mulaney (Jesse C. Boyd) is beyond me. He looks terribly slimy and his behaviour is cringy and rude. Besides, girl, if you know your taste in men is absolute rubbish (yes, I’m still not over the little sh*t she was dating in the previous movie), at least don’t choose them armed and with a licence to kill!! Make your life easier and try that your future stalker is not part of the forces that are supposed to defend you from stalkers! It’s not that hard!!

A police officer looking at Allyson in a very slimy, disturbing way.
Fig. 5. Officer Slimy (Jesse C. Boyd) talking to Allyson. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any cringier, teenage behaviour comes into play. It is common knowledge that people who have seen you grow up will forever treat you like you’re a child, especially in villages where everyone knows everyone. It is also understandable that Corey’s mum, like most mothers in this franchise, is deranged and has a very troubling relationship with her son. But what is the highschool music band of punks’ excuse? A bunch of scrawny kids bullying a grown man is cringy, but calling him “kid” is just plain embarrassing. Embarrassing for them, embarrassing for Corey and embarrassing for the audience.

Four teenagers in a car talking amongst each other.
Fig. 6. Bratty teenagers pulling up in their car at the gas station. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

Talking about embarrassment, what about the huge plot gap that should have never happened in a thirteenth instalment?

Unjustified heartbeats

WHY DOESN’T MICHAEL KILL COREY? At the beginning, when Laurie mentions how Corey’s eyes were not his but Michael’s, you assume it is a case of possession since Michael is evil incarnate and all that. However, afterwards, they talk about how Corey is going down a dark path, leading you to believe that it is simply Corey being corrupted by the circumstances that he has been subjected to. Whatever the case is, when and why does Michael suddenly decide to have a sidekick? We’ll never know, but at least they had the decency to provide a plausible way to actually kill him once for all… Probably…?

Serial Halloween killer Michael Myers stabbing a policeman that is being immobilised by Corey.
Fig. 7. Michael Myers (James Jude Courtney) stabbing Officer Douchbag (Jesse C. Boyd) while Corey holds him down. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

What could’ve been

Thankfully, Laurie appears long enough to make the film interesting enough to watch to the end. Honestly, if they had focused on her, this film would probably have been way more popular. For me, and I think I speak for a big bunch of Halloween franchise fans, the end of the 40 years old fight between Laurie and Michael was the biggest attraction of the film, and it was very disappointing to get just about a 20% of Laurie and a 5% of Michael on screen, being generous.

Laurie holding a big knife, about to kill Michael Myers.
Fig. 8. Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) about to cut Michael Myers real good.
Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

Advice to take from this movie:

  1. I can’t believe I have to say this but, DO NOT RUN AWAY WITH SOMEONE YOU’VE KNOWN FOR LESS THAN 48 HOURS!!
  2. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, pay attention to your nana, she knows what’s up.
  3. If you’ve tried to kill someone twice and they’re still alive, don’t wait for the umpteenth showdown to chop up the corpse. There’s no time like the present.
Laurie carving up a pumpkin, frame selected for the Halloween Ends review.
Fig. 9. Laurie carving a pumpkin while teasing Allyson about her meet cute with Corey. Source: Halloween Ends (David Gordon Green, 2022).

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