- Release year: 2023
- Director: Emma Tammi.
- Producers: Jason Blum and Scott Cawthon.
- Screenplay by: Scott Cawthon, Seth Cuddeback and Emma Tammi.
- Cinematographer: Lyn Moncrief.
- Music by: The Newton Brothers.
Synopsis: A man battling for the custody of his sister accepts the job of night guard of an abandoned establishment for kids, where he will discover a terrible secret.
Shotgun Commentary: Hugely disappointing adaptation of a very good video game.
Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s (Emma Tammi, 2023).
Review
The hype around Five Nights at Freddy’s is completely unfounded. This cheap version of Willy’s Wonderland (2021) is incredibly bad. The only way it can be more disappointing is if you, like yours truly, read all the positive comments before seeing it.
Full disclosure, I have never played Five Nights at Freddy’s, which is why I decided to watch some gameplay about it. Spoiler: it was a terrible decision.
The game was terrifying, even as a mere spectator. So, naturally, I expected the film to follow suit and, at the very least, spook me. Sadly, not even close.
Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s (Emma Tammi, 2023).
The big snooze
The whole movie is a clichéd drama about a man, Mike (Josh Hutcherson), who is trying to keep the custody of his sister Abby (Piper Rubio) while figuring out who kidnapped his brother years ago. There are around 5 minutes of horror, the rest is boring flashbacks and cliché legal disputes. It is not a problem to add another story to the one already created by the video games, but when the boring flashbacks lead to the most obvious predictable conclusion and the legal disputes magically disappear, it makes one wonder why did they bother adding anything at all.
Far from being about Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, its past or its workers, the story is about the kidnapping of Mike’s younger brother. No, not in the establishment, in the woods; and Mike decides years later that he is going to save him by…dreaming about the day that he was taken? And of course, where better than on the only job that will take him and that he desperately needs in order to support his sister.
Even after discovering what is going on with the animatronics, he just lets Abby play with them unsupervised while he falls asleep to try and find clues in his dream. Just in case you were wondering, yeah, all of this happens during his shift, AT WORK. Luckily for him, there are no managers to witness his unprofessional behaviour, or the film would’ve ended within the first 5 minutes with him getting fired and losing custody.
The bare minimum
Moving on from the main character and his incomprehensible behaviour, it’s time to have a look at the supporting characters, starting with Aunt Jane, a character as generic as her name. Aunt Jane, the woman who is trying to get custody of the little girl, is a mix between Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter and every evil stepmother in Disney. In a display of originality, she wants to take the girl away from her brother, not because she loves her, but to get the money assigned to support the girl. She predictably meets a terrible end at Mike’s house, and yet for some reason there are no repercussions or doubts about Mike’s lack of involvement in the whole thing.
Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s (Emma Tammi, 2023).
Another secondary character worth mentioning is Vanessa (Elisabeth Lail), the girl who knows everything but inexplicably doesn’t share any knowledge with the main character unless said knowledge does nothing to speed up the movie. Same with helping really, she is cool with endangering a child until she isn’t and for some reason that is Mike’s fault instead of hers even though she knows what’s going on and he does not? And she is unable to help until she suddenly is, regardless of absolutely nothing happening to prompt this change of heart.
Lastly, you’ve got Matthew Lillard playing the same role he has been playing his whole career (except for Shaggy in some Scooby-Doo films). Enough said really.
Advice to take from this movie:
- If you are worried that you might lose custody of your sister, maybe don’t go crazy in every job you are given?
- When you can only opt for one job, falling asleep in it is the worst choice you can make. Correction, falling asleep ON PURPOSE in it is the worst choice you can make.
- If a guy looks like the bad guy, moves like the bad guy, and quacks like the bad guy…
Source: Five Nights at Freddy’s (Emma Tammi, 2023).
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