• Release year: 2023
• Directors: Michelle Latimer, Jan Pavlacky, John Carpenter and Jordan Roberts.
• Producers: Radomir Docekal, Gregory Dylan Harris, Tomas Krejci and Trace Slobotkin.
• Written by: Amanda Deibert, Zack Kahn and Jordan Roberts.
• Cinematography by: Mark Bliss.
• Music by: Raney Shockne.

Shotgun Commentary: when you add John Carpenter’s name to a horror work, there are expectations. This show does not meet them.

Disclaimer: the following synopsis and reviews will very likely contain spoilers.

• The synopsis are meant as a reminder of each episode for anyone with bad memory.
• The reviews won’t contain relevant spoilers since each episode is its own story. Still, the endings won’t be spoiled.

Episode 1: Kelly

Synopsis

A group of four plays with a ouija board and actually talks to a spirit. The spirit haunts one of them to get justice.

Review

This episode’s story is classic American nonsense: teenagers/young adults mess around with a ouija board and get more than they bargained for. Or… exactly what they’re bargaining for, actually. Despite the security of a tradictional horror premise, the story simply doesn’t work. There are lots of factors that destroy the account but, at the end of the day, it all boils down to lack of credibility.

The whole point of this stories is that they are supposed to be scary because they are based on reality. However, most of them come across more as Americans dramatising something that they haven’t bothered to investigate properly. Definitely not getting “inexplicable” from any of the events.

Amateur improv hour

In Kelly’s case, the actors are absolutely dreadful. Much like the storytellers, this author hasn’t bothered investigating too deeply. For this reason, whether the “witnesses” are real or actors paid to play them is unclear. However, it they are the real protagonists, that story is 10000% bullsh*t. You know how Americans always seem to cry or get dramatic on queue during TV competitions and it looks so fake you just want to laugh or die from second-hand embarassment? It is exactly the same type of lame performance.

In addition to the terrible acting from both characters and narrators, there are lots of issues with the story, mostly when it comes to the female characters. In fact, most female audiences will clock this automatically, it doesn’t really take a critic. May (Maria Almeida) and Kelly (Sára Korbelóva) make absolutely no sense.

It’s a man’s POV

Let’s begin with May. She states that Kelly was like a sister to her until she started doing drugs. Yet, when her boyfriend begins investigating what could have happened to Kelly, she gets incredibly upset, to the point where you start doubting if maybe she has something to do with Kelly’s death.

Her behaviour could be explained as her freaking out over having a dead person haunting them. Nevertheless, and here comes the tricky bit, the boyfriend says that, after she left him in the middle of nowhere, he NEVER spoke to her again. Not even after what happens at the end of the episode? She never tries to contact him after that? Doubtful.

Now, about Kelly, is it just this very cynic writer, or does “a casually very beautiful dead woman fell in love with me” sound very much like a male fantasy rather than something that could actually happen? It seems more like wishful thinking from a man that has seen Ghost (1990) one time too many, than the actions of a dead woman trying to be found. Plus, you are asking for the man to find your body, but you don’t know that you are dead? How does that compute?

All in all, Kelly reeks too much of limited imagination to be a real traumatic, supernatural ocurrence. As such, random jumpscares of ghostly appearances aside, it is barely even spooky, much less scary at all.

Episode 2: A Killer Comes Home

Synopsis

A killer is arrested after beating people to death and other heinous crimes. Sadly, he manages to escape prison and goes on a rampage in his hometown.

Review

Contrary to the previous one, this account is much more fact-based. The connection with a real-life story is apparent by the amount of objective details given. This helps the audience connect with the horrors described and shown.

Still, the story doesn’t quite hit the mark. None of it is any more terrifying than any revenge-themed film or episode of Criminal Minds (2005-present). This is the type of content that would have given nightmares to housewives in the 50s. Sadly, audiences are way less naive than that nowadays. We all see way worse horrors on the news every single day, making us depressingly apathetic to events like the ones described on this episode.

Plus, and this is a big factor to take into consideration, the story is shamelessly edited in a sad attempt to pass it as horror. It is 2024, audiences have seen shows like Criminal Minds, Hannibal (2013-2015), and Mindhunter (2017-2019). Not to mention the countless psychology-based thrillers on cinemas. And this is just for people who haven’t bothered persuing a career on the subject.

The whole “he kills and hurts people for no reason because he’s a monster” is not a product anyone wants to buy anymore. People are not just monsters, and science has proven that time and time again. This is yet another reason why the narrative would have worked a lot better in the 50s and 60s, when psychology and profiling were considered fiction and impossible.

All in all, A Killer Comes Home is a nice attempt and connects real life with fiction quite well. Regrettably, audiences nowadays don’t react to this sort of stories with horror, more so with cynicism and apathy, making it the wrong choice for a horror show.

Episode 3: House Next Door

Synopsis

A teenager is convinced that the house next door is haunted. When a girl moves in there with her family, he’s determined to save her from any danger.

Review

This account reminds of a live-action version of Monster House (2006) only not as scary. It focuses on the child next door more than it does on the house, creating a Rear Window-type (1954) of narrative where the protagonist has his full mobility. That is, Rear Window without anything of what makes it a good thriller. Oh! And with some forced teenager romance slaped in there, for good measure.

Unclear message

What begins as an interesting haunted-house-themed narrative quickly turns into a domestic violence metaphor with animal slaughter to top it up. The way the whole family cowers at the mention of the patriarch of the family clashes with their attitude just the day before, when he’s seen, and described by the protagonsit, as a really nice guy. This drastic change is hard to understand even if some weeks have gone by. It is a risky turn on a narrative that doesn’t pay off.

The father’s strange attitude only includes killing animals in the attic. Granted, a bit of a strange activity, but not especially terrorific unless you are a farm animal. Furthermore, the fact that an American narrative gasps at the sight of animal slaughter is so ironic it makes the story more comedy than anything else. Granted, countless Americans prefer not to know where their McDonald’s and KFC come from, but that doesn’t change the reality of it.

All in all, House Next Door is a pretty average story where the creepiest thing going on is the protagonist’s obsession with watching the girl next door with his binoculars. The “villain” is unoriginal and his acts are barely in the horror spectrum, not to mention that the story offers no hard proof of anything. Not even the protagonist can vouch for his own memory since he lost part of it after the incident.

Episode 4: Bunny Man

Synopsis

A local legend seems to come to life.

Review

At this point of the show, we can safely confirm that the more innocent the neighbourhood appears to be, the more dangerous it actually is. Kinda like when people talk about how a man was always polite and said hello to his neighbours before losing it and killing 30 people. All the neighbourhoods are described as absolutely perfect and joyfull before a huge massacre takes place, only in this case, nothing actually takes place at all.

Much ado about nothing

You heard right, this is over half an hour of sightings of a man in a bunny costume. That’s it. There is a local legend about a man dressed as a bunny who carries a hachet and kills all the children who dare go to a specific bridge on Halloween. As far as legends go, this would be a lot more fitting for Easter, Easter Bloody Easter (2024) comes to mind. Regardless, that is the legend they have and, surprisingly *insert eyeroll here*, after knowing about this, all the children went to the bridge on Halloween.

They all died! You must be thinking. Well… no, but some kids reported a man in a bunny custome lurking around. Because a man dressed up in the custome of the local legend in Halloween is so suspicious… This is but one of many, MANY, stories of sightings of a man dressed in a bunny custome carrying a hachet. Did anything ever happen to anyone? Not really. Was the story frightening? Very, and here’s why:

The dangers of bias

One of the people talking about this story is a cop. A man refering to the tale of two panicked teenagers as “actual evidence” is incredibly dangerous, especially when he is a policeman allowed to carry weapons. It is terrifying to think that the police guarding you can be so gulliable. Ever heard of mass-hysteria? Because it is sure to kill a lot more people than a prankster walking around in a bunny suit.

In addition to the dangers of a biased police force, there’s the matter of toxic stereotyping. Ever wondered why the “suspected criminals and psychos” are described as people who choose not to engage with the community life and prefer to keep to themselves, yet in the news the actual killers are people noone suspected because they are super sociable? It is specifically funny in this episode because a hermit who is miding his own business is portrayed as a blood-thirsty killer, and a nosy priest as the hero. Prejudice much? Why is snooping on other’s lives a good thing?

All in all, Bunny Man is the perfect example of a “nice” neighbourhood reigned by fear of the different and unknown, the perfect breeding ground for a case of mass hysteria The Mist (2007) style. Probably not the type of horror that was intended, but it is what they create nonetheless.

Episode 5: Cursed Neighborhood

Synopsis

A family moves into a neighbourhood that seems nice, but holds a horrible past.

Review

This episode has a pretty intense opening scene. Sadly, that’s where the appeal ends. Immediately after, the story sinks at a rapid pace due to its nonsensical premise. A family movies into a new neighbourhood and is immediately stalked by some redneck, racist spirits, but…why? It seems to be just a race thing since their white neighbour seems pretty happy living there, but the more you think about it, the more tangled the narrative gets. Do you remember that one school pal that always told the craziest stories while you nodded and pretended to believe him? that’ what watching this feels like.

Absurd premise

According to the beginning of the story, the colonisers tried to take over the Native-American territory but failed miserably. Since then, they put a curse on the land. Now, putting a curse on the land that was never yours to begin with because you are an entitled *sshole is one thing, but it is another to also curse other colonisers who might as well have been you children and grandchildren. After all, being black is not the same thing as being Native American so, in that sense, they are as much colonisers as their white neighbours and the man who put the curse.

Moreover, didn’t the Natives try to make some kind of countercurse to avoid death? And the dead, are they not around ot protect the next generations or avenge the cursing ghost? Think about it, a ghost battle between Natives and the Christian colonisers, now THAT would be an episode worth watching.

The darker reading

But, back to the matter at hand, the fact that the only colonisers affected are the ones being attacked, gives you two possibilities. Either the ghost is completely ignorant in addition to racist, and he just hates anyone different regardless of whether they are Natives or colonisers, which seems the case, or a way darker option. What about the unnafected neighbours? Sure, not all the occurences can be explained if it’s them, but the little they did could have put the family in a constant state of panic, provoking hallucinations.

Whatever the explanation is, the only part of the film that shocks a bit are the icky boils of a decomposing corpse. That is a great feat for the makeup department. Still, it says very little about the writing when the best you’ve got in your story is good makeup effects.

All in all, Cursed Neighborhood is nothing you haven’t seen a million times: family moves in, ghosts stalk them, people die, family moves out. The statements the real family make seem completely fictional due to their lack of acting abilities. Overall, the story is impossible to engage with and brings nothing new to the genre.

Episode 6: Phone Stalker

Synopsis

A woman is stalked by a person who threatens her constantly and hacks into her electronic devices to watch and scare her.

Review

Phone Stalker is the only episode that feels truly terrifying. The narrative is relevant and present in today’s society, and the victim’s testimony makes your blood freeze.

In a society ruled by electronical devices and non-stop surveillance, having a hacker stalk you is terrifying. The police tend to ignore cases without physical violence as much as possible. They don’t use their resources on cases where the victim hasn’t been harmed yet. Prevention is something that police forces all over the world should work in, designing a system and employing individuals to investigate properly minor cases. After all, just because you haven’t been killed, doesn’t mean that you haven’t been psychologically harmed or aren’t in real danger.

Stepping it up

The particular case goes even further, when a slimy policeman tries to take advantage of a woman in distress. He effectively becomes another horny creep, adding to the problem instead of being the solution. As such, this woman has no one to turn to since every move is being monitored and the police are only interested in using her vulnerable state to try to have sex with her.

As much as being stalked digitally can be horrible, it is not as bad as seeing how the people who are supposed to protect you from predators, are predators themselves. Much like a chicken who realises that there is a fox “protecting” the pen. This distressing situation leads the protagonist to become paranoid and anxious, to the point where she develops multiple ticks and can’t stop shaking.

The real-life woman who suffers this situation is either the best actress in the world, or her life has truly been destroyed. Her behaviour and demeanour are honest and terrifying in a way that can’t be pretended. She doesn’t overact or get dramatic about it, she merely lays down the facts and that’s that, an attitude that makes the story feel more grave compared to the previous tales.

All in all, Phone Stalker is the only story of the whole show that works in various levels. It looks real, the fear it taps into is legit and present nowadays, and the acting is superb.

Advice to take from this show:

• Love attachment? Really? There’s no eyeroll big enough for that bullsh*t.
• Since when is using professional tools to kill animals a bad thing? Would you rather he beats them to death with his fists or what?
• Saying something with conviction doesn’t make it true.
• Making people cry and get excessively emotional might work against the result you’re trying to achieve.

What’s your take? Have you watched John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams? Don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, or leave a message in my contact page! For more reviews and cinema-related articles, check out the rest of my blog! 😀