- Release year: 2025
- Director: Mary Bronstein.
- Producers: Ronald Bronstein, Eli Bush, Richie Doyle, Conor Hannon, Sara Murphy, Josh Safdie, and Ryan Zacarias.
- Screenplay by: Mary Bronstein.
- Cinematography by: Christopher Messina.
Synopsis: a woman tries to take care of her anorexic daughter as the problems in her life keep piling up.
Shotgun Commentary: yes… but no, not really.
Review
If I Had Legs I’d Kick You had me seated and with the popcorn ready just with its title. After watching the trailer, a rare occurrence that somehow came to be, I had some reservations, but still gave it a chance. Was that a horrible choice? No. Would I go for seconds? Not really, no.
A big pile of regrets
Linda (Rose Byrne) is a therapist who has to take care of her daughter, a huge hole in the ceiling of her rented house, and an array of clients. To make matters worse, she makes all the wrong decisions she can and then blames other people for not telling her what to do. Simultaneously asking for help from two men who couldn’t care less while treating the only man who seems keen on helping appallingly. Overall, not a very relatable person, and empathising with her gets harder by the minute.
If this had been a male-directed feature, it could be applauded for its mild insight into the psyche of a woman under extreme social pressure. Regrettably, it is not, and one expects more from a female director. The story presented is fantastic, but it deflates into pure nonsense, and its protagonist begins the film as a relatable woman doing her best, and ends it as a stupid mess pumped full of substances and tangled in a web of lies while promising pathetically to do better. Overall, not a great look. Not even a mildly comprehensible or reasonable look, actually.
If you happen to watch the trailer, you mistakably think this will be a female-rage coded story… it’s not. You won’t find any catharsis or satisfaction in this film. There’s no “YES!” moment. Furthermore, Linda is what I think men’s concept of “hysterical” is. She’s a woman with no self-restraint or even a sliver of maturity who throws a tantrum every time she has to do something she doesn’t like and blames everyone around her, even if they were just passing by.
Adding to the pile
Not to mention that it is completely useless performing the tasks that, for some reason, her husband gets done even before he returns home. That is, he is more capable than her even though he is managing the task remotely, and she’s had ages to do the same thing on site.
Granted, it could be the typical “construction workers take men seriously, but not women”. A message that is still very much a reality, but gets a little lost when one takes into consideration that all she’s done is leave one angry voicemail to her landlord. Not a stellar attempt at fixing anything, really. So it doesn’t so much read as sexism as it does incompetence on her part.
We are going to gloss over the pointless storyline that leads nowhere. Namely, the hole in the wall, as it feels like the intro for a spin-off if the spin-off was Else (2024). Instead, let’s try to focus on something positive: the acting. Byrne delivers a great performance. Is it “career-defining” and “the performance of a lifetime”… not really. It is wonderful, that is undeniable, but it is not particularly better than any other role she’s had. Then again, people do tend to take dramatic performances more seriously than comedic ones, but that is prejudice, it doesn’t mean that her delivery is any better in this movie than in plenty of others.
All in all, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You kinda promises what his title hints at. It is a story with no kick whatsoever. One that barely stands on its own, whose only highlights are a cinematography that is not half bad, and a cast that has no business being so good in a film so mediocre.
Advice to take from this movie:
- Whining doesn’t get things done. The world is sexist and unfair, crying about it won’t change that.
- The line between critiquing something and becoming part of the problem is dangerously thin.
- Sometimes great acting isn’t enough to save a film.
What’s your take? Have you watched If I Had Left I’d Kick You? Don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, or leave a message in my contact page! For more reviews and cinema-related articles, check out the rest of my blog! 😀