• Release year: 2025
• Director: Shawn Simmons.
• Producers: Marty P. Ewing, Rhett Reese, and Paul Wernick.
• Screenplay by: Shawn Simmons.
• Cinematography by: Tim Ives.
• Music by: Bobby Krlic.

Shotgun Commentary: an essay on how having low self-esteem can destroy your life.

Review

Eenie Meenie is the crime genre version of a toxic romcom where things would be hilarious if they weren’t so damn frustrating. If you feel like yelling at the TV for a couple of hours, boy do I have the movie for you!

Girl meets boy

Edie (Samara Weaving) is a girl from Cleveland who is trying to leave behind her criminal past. She works at a bank and studies at a community college, and she seems to be getting her life back on track until she finds out that she’s pregnant. This new development gives her the perfect excuse to engage in her favourite toxic habit: visiting her good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend John (Karl Glusman).

John is the kind of trash everyone with two working neurones avoids at all costs. Yet, like all smart women with no self-esteem, her intellect means nothing when it comes to relationships. She is attracted to him like a moth to a flame. His one good deed when they met, chaining her to his fate like a prison sentence. Edie is a firm believer in the patriarchal “I can fix him” trope, her daddy issues obvious from the very beginning of the feature. As a result, she makes the worst decisions a human being could ever make just for the sake of trying to change a man that clearly has no interest in changing. Because of this terrible habit, you get to enjoy a hilarious heist movie with car chases and blood-boiling decisions included.

Shining stars

But fear not, at least you will have Andy García’s suave demeanour to smooth over the ride. García plays Nico, a small-town gangster with a soft spot for Edie and a caring boyfriend who’s constantly doting on him. He is amongst the most reasonable—dare I say, healthy?—gangsters ever portrayed in a movie. Ruthless yet understanding, calm and responsible. He doesn’t blame others for mistakes that aren’t theirs or burst into tantrums when things don’t go his way, like many other gangsters do. As such, García was the obvious choice for the role. His charming yet serene personality is perfect for this character, as it has been for many similar characters before.

Still, the obvious star of the show is Weaving, who adds yet another great movie to her filmography. Thus far, it has been impossible for yours truly to find a bad movie that features Weaving, but I might just make that my end-of-the-year mission: to find a film featuring her that is actually bad. Until then, suffice to say that her performance here is absolutely brilliant. She has the trauma face down, and her character is so likeable despite her horrible life choices that it is easy to remain mesmerised by her throughout the entire film.

All in all, Eenie Meenie is a comedy that will make you rage. A crime film with the lamest characters. A heist movie with the most toxic fictional relationship of 2025 since Companion. A dumpster fire of genres that, nonetheless, still works. It will give you enough fuel to curse the patriarchy while laughing with resignation and still feel the thrills of amazing car chases and a good heist.

Advice to take from this movie:

• First loves are overrated.
• Sometimes it is okay to let a man pull another man’s skeleton out.
• Stop dating people out of pity.

What’s your take? Have you watched Eenie Meenie? Don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, or leave a message in my contact page! For more reviews and cinema-related articles, check out the rest of my blog! 😀